


World War III - Episode 1 (The Phantom Menace)

by angelholme



Category: Political RPF - UK 21st c., Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-08
Updated: 2010-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-07 19:46:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelholme/pseuds/angelholme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events leading up to the invasion of Naboo..... sorry. Iraq.</p>
            </blockquote>





	World War III - Episode 1 (The Phantom Menace)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in December 2002, before the invasion and occupation of Iraq. It was my endeavour to protest against the coming war, and to record my view point for posterity.

**Staring**

George Bush Jr (as Palpatine)

Colin Powell (as Darth Maul) Kofi Anan (as Chancellor Valorum)

Donald Rumsfeld (as Nute Gunrey) Condaleza Rice (as Gunrey's assistant)

Saddam Hussein (as Prince Amidala)

Hans Blix (as Qui-gon Jin) Hiro Ueki (as Obi-wan Kenobi)

and

George Bush Sr (as Ja Ja Binks)

{The typical scrolling text thing starts}

**The Phantom Menace**

It is a time of great strife in the Galactic Senate.  
Bush, from the American Confederation, has been pushing  
for the overthrow of a small world called Iraq.

The World Senate in the person of Anan has been trying to keep things peaceful  
so that the Inspectors - a noble race of peace-keeping beings - can complete their tasks.

However a rogue group called US Army have, in the guise of enforcing  
GS resolution 24601, put up an embargo around the planet.

In an effort to stave off war Anan has sent his two best Inspectors  
\- Hans Blix and Hiro Ueki - to talk to the blockaders......

**(If you can read this, you are standing to close)**

{The scene opens on a spaceship approaching a world. There are a lot of ships blockading the planet. A caption reads "Iraq, Middle Eastern Galactic Arm". We see Blix, an Inspector, and his trainee Ueki}

Blix : Tell them we wish to speak to them.

Pilot : Okay. But they won't listen.

_{The screen flickers on. We see Rumsfeld and Rice. They are both wearing Mexican hats and big floppy moustaches to hide their identity}_

Rumsfeld : What the hell do you want?

Blix : We are here at the behest of the Galactic Senate. We have been charged to talk to you about dropping the blockade and letting people back in to look for these supposed weapons.

Rumsfeld : Well - come aboard. But we know it has weapons - I sold them to them a decade ago.

Ueki : Do you have the receipts?

Rumsfeld : No.

Ueki : Then we must come aboard and find out ourselves.

Rumsfeld : Oh fine.

_{The screen is cut and Ueki turns to Blix}_

Ueki : I feel uncertain about this master. I have a bad feeling in my stomach.

Blix : That's just the airline food you had on the way.

_{The scene changes to them waiting in a conference room on the ship. The two Inspectors are sat waiting for someone to talk to them}_

Ueki : I still have a bad feeling about this you know.

Blix : Patience young padawan. You must learn to think of the now.

Ueki : The now?

Blix : Yes - the now.

Ueki : But isn't the now now then.

Blix : Sorry?

Ueki : There is no now because once you say it is now, its already then.

Blix : Did you watch Spaceballs last night?

Ueki : _{Hangs his head in shame}_ I am sorry - but I like the Princess.

Blix : Fair enough. She is kind of cute.

_{The door opens and a waiter comes in}_

Waiter : So - what would y'all like to drink?

Blix : Where are the people we are supposed to be meeting with?

Waiter : Don't know that sir, I just know I was sent in to see what you wanted.

Ueki : We want to talk to your masters.

Waiter : Fair enough.

_{Turns and leaves. The camera shifts to the CnC room where Rumsfeld and Rice are talking. The waiter comes in}_

Waiter : Sir - they are Inspectors.

Rice : Sorry?

Waiter : The two guys who got off the ship. I would say they are Inspectors.

Rumsfeld : Well - that's not good.

Rice : Do you think he will be able to stop us?

Rumsfeld : I think we should go check. _{Turns to the waiter}_ Go back and stall them a bit more.

_{The waiter leaves and Rumsfeld and Rice turn back. Suddenly a hologram of a guy in dark cloak appears}_

Rumsfeld : Master - we are undone. The Senate has sent Inspectors back.

Sidious : Screw em.

Rice : Sorry master?

Sidious : I have been planning this war for ten years. Me and my pappy before me. I am not going to let some two bit liberal organization and their lap dogs prevent me from shooting a few black-hats. Cause this is the only way they will ever elect me again after the total debacle last time. Kill the Inspectors.

Rice : Really?

Sidious : Do I look like I am joking?

Rice : With that face? Most of the time.

Sidious : _{turning back to Rumsfeld}_ Get this weasel out of my sight - I never want to see her again. _{Rice slinks off out of shot}_ Kill them, then begin the attack.

Rumsfeld : Yes Master.

_{The scene switches back to the conference room where Blix and Ueki are waiting. Suddenly there is a loud explosion as their ship explodes}_

Blix : Bugger.

Ueki : See - you told me I was imagining it. I was all "this is bad" and you were all "get over it"

Blix : Yes - my shame at misjudging this completely dwarfs the fact our ship was just blown up and we are all alone out here. Can we focus now?

Ueki : Sorry master.

Blix : That's all right. _{The door opens and a group of soldiers come in}_ Bugger!!

Soldier1 : You are to come with us.

Ueki : Ok. We give up. But first _{pointing}_ what in the world is that? _{The soldiers all turn round and Blix and Ueki make their escape out of a side door}_

Blix : We need to get off this ship - down to the planet.

Ueki : Ok. Why?

Blix : Cause we can only hide for so long, and I think there is something else going on. This is a dumb move to make from the The US Army. Even given their presidents lack of brain power this is not the right thing to do. Going against the GS is going to provoke massive condemnation.

Ueki : I guess. Anyway - lets go.

_{The scene changes to the planet. Prince Hussein is sat behind a desk with a hologram of Rumsfeld in front of him}_

Hussein : Your bluff is over - the GS is going to force a peaceful resolution. I know there are Inspectors up there to make you give up your embargo.

Rumsfeld : Inspectors? What inspectors?

Hussein : The GSG promised us inspectors. You are saying they didn't come?

Rumsfeld : Looks like. Maybe you have less influence than you think you have.

Hussein : Its a trick. _{He switches off the hologram and then turns on another one. This is of Kofi Anan}_ They did not arrive.

Anan : Okay - I will see what I can do.

_{The scene switches to Anan's office. He turns on another hologram. This time of George Bush}_

Anan : Mr Bush - the Inspectors did not arrive.

Bush : How can that be?

Anan : I do not know. Since they were dispatched from your country I was hoping you could help.

Bush : You got me Mr Secretary General. Its not like I set up an embargo round Iraq so they would call you, then I had your inspectors killed because I knew they would find no evidence of anything underhand going on. And its certainly not like I am about to launch a full scale war against the will of the GS so that I can show you as a totally impotent and useless body and thus get you dissolved and set up a new world order with me at its head allowing me to impose my misguided morality on the rest of the world cause there is now no one with the balls or the weapons to challenge us. _{Looks down}_ Oh crap the camera is still on. _{He shuts it off}_

Anan : Well - that was strange.

_{The scene switches back to Iraq, where Blix and Ueki have landed. They are looking around at the site of various US Army troops landing in various craft}_

Blix : The US Army invading? This doesn't make sense. They can't think they will get away with this.

Ueki : I think we need to find the Prince so he can plead his case to the GS personally.

Blix : Okay. But how do we find him? We don't even know where we are.

Ueki : If I know my exceedingly bad science fiction then we are about to encounter some comic relief.

_{They both look around and nothing happens}_

Blix : Wow. I guess this might not be bad sci-fi after all.

_{Suddenly a big dopey looking creature falls out of the sky in front of them. It sits up and looks around, then sees them}_

Blix : What are you?

Bush Sr : I is ex-leader of da AC.

Ueki : Seriously?

Bush Sr : Ya-huh.

Blix : Can you help us?

Bush Sr : I is coming to help you cause current leader is silly little boy.

Ueki : Isn't he your son?

Bush Sr : He is - the shame.

_{hides his head in his hands and starts crying. The two Inspectors look on for a moment, then they start to get bored. Finally they go over and shake Bush Sr}_

Blix : Can you help us? We need to get to The Prince.

Bush Sr : Yesa I can helps you. _{He bounds off}_ Comes this way.

_{The scene switches to the Galactic Senate. Sidious and Powell are walking around the building}_

Sidious : I think you should go to the blockade - to Iraq.

Powell : Why?

Sidious : I think something really important is going to happen and that one of us should be there. Since I have to pretend to be a good guy it should be you. But you can pretend to be a good guy as well.

Powell : Okay.

Sidious : Also there is this whole prophecy thing about The Betrayer. Look in to that as well will you?

Powell : Will do.

_{The scene fades and comes back up with Bush Sr leading Blix and Ueki in to the palace compound. This is not because I could not think of anything to fill the in the gap, but simply for time reasons I promise!!}_

Blix : Looks like there are troops everywhere. We will need to be quick. _{They sneak over to where The Prince is being led down a path by some guards. Blix comes up in front of them}_ I have orders to take him in to my custody.

Soldier2 : Why?

Blix : Well we need to ask him a few questions, and since you would have to abide by The Geneva Convention your superiors want to leave him to me so I can use other techniques.

Solider2 : I am not sure.

Blix : Well - what in the world is that?

_{All the soldiers spin around, and Blix takes Hussein away from them}_

Hussein : Who are you?

Blix : We are Inspectors. We were sent here to look in to the claims of Bush but The US Army ambushed us.

Hussein : So you think I am innocent?

Blix : No - I think you are a murdering tyrant who should resign and treat his people better. But that's not why we are here.

Hussein : Why are you here?

Blix : Because the GS sent us and - as it stands - they sort out conflicts between nations. If we allow random countries to start attacking other countries we might as well dissolve the GS and go back to living in caves. _{Turns to the camera}_ Cause apparently hiding in caves is a good way to avoid being found. _{Turns back to Hussein}_ I am going to take you to the GS.

Hussein : Hurray!!

_{The scene fades, then opens on a ship landing on a huge desert planet. Then go to the cockpit where Blix and Ueki are talking}_

Blix : So its a good thing we could find this planet after we were shot at by The US Army blockade ships, and even though this cute little robot who I think might have a big part to play in future helped us a bit we still need some repairs so I figure I go out, have a few adventures, meet some people and then come back and we leave. What do you say?

Ueki : _{Looking at the camera}_ Its plot exposition - it has to go somewhere _{Turns back}_ Okay - but go on your own.

Blix : Of course. I mean if Hussein were a princess not a prince then maybe I could take him a long, but I figure if I do find the one the prophecy speaks off then he will most likely be male. I mean with a name like The Betrayer I guess it could be a woman but what are the odds?

Ueki : I guess. So - when will you be back?

Blix : Soon as I can get enough fuel to put in this engine. But hey - maybe if Bush gets his way the AC can have lots and lots of cheap fuel and everyone else be enslaved to them instead of the middle eastern area. _{Pauses}_ You don't think that's part of his evil scheme to take over the galaxy do you? _{They both pause, then shake their heads}_ Naah!!

_{Blix leaves the ship and walks off towards a town on the horizon}_

_{End of Part 1}_

_{Commercial Break}_

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_{End of Commercial Break}_

**Author's Note:**

> I am not George Lucas, nor am I any of the real people featured in this story. (For those who missed them, there are references to Spaceballs (The Movie) and Buffy The Vampire Slayer).


End file.
